Ep. 14 | What’s worth fighting for? What do I give up?

Episode Transcript:

When you find something that works, you want to give it to the world.

Hello Pilgrim Soul friends and welcome to this week’s podcast.

What you’ll learn in this episode:

~ How to know what to fight for in your life ~ even if you are exhausted from and frustrated by the fight. (Hint: it’s the title of my podcast theme song.)

~ How to know what to let go of in your life. (Hint: it’s the story you have created about what makes your situation impossible.)

~ One of my favorite tools for cleaning out past resentments & regrets, experiencing relief, and imagining the possibilities.

What I am offering to you today, is something that has worked for me and the hundreds of women I have coached over the last 5 years. I know it can work for you, too.

If you “just want peace” in your life, and if you learn and apply this tool, you will absolutely create more peace in your life. But it will cost you something. It will cost you your insistence that somehow things should have been different, it will cost your holding onto the “principle of the matter,” it will cost you letting go of your resentment, and it will cost you saying good-bye to regret.

So, if you are willing to let go of these, or even if you aren’t sure that you are willing, but you are curious to see what I have to say, to learn what is worth fighting for, I want you to take out a pen and paper, and invest the few minutes of your time it will take to learn this tool right now and to begin to apply it in your life.

Until next time, thank you for your commitment and dedication to increasing your own mental, emotional, and spiritual health, and thank you for joining our group of Pilgrim Souls who are out in the world making it a place of greater peace, ease, and enjoyment.

XOXO + Press on, Tara

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Featured:

~ Jessica and Nick Ortner, The Tapping Solution. ~ Brad Yates, tapwithbrad.com ~ Music by Turner Simkins and Joe Stevenson, Possibilities performed by Darius Rucker as a collaboration between GoPro for a Cause and St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. www.pressonfund.org ~ Pilgrim Soul Classes: www.tarasimkins.com/workwithme/

 

Listen on iTunes

 

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Full Transcript

 

When you find something that works, you want to give it to the world.

 

Hello Pilgrim Soul friends and welcome to this week’s podcast.

 

What you’ll learn in this episode:

 

~ How to know what to fight for in your life ~ even if you are exhausted from and frustrated by the fight.  (Hint: it’s the title of my podcast theme song.)

 

~ How to know what to let go of in your life.  (Hint: it’s the story you have created about what makes your situation impossible.)

 

~  One of my favorite tools for cleaning out past resentments & regrets, experiencing relief, and imagining the possibilities.

 

What I am offering to you today, is something that has worked for me and the hundreds of women I have coached over the last 5 years.  I know it can work for you, too.

 

If you “just want peace” in your life, and if you learn and apply this tool, you will absolutely create more peace in your life.  But it will cost you something. It will cost you your insistence that somehow things should have been different, it will cost your holding onto the “principle of the matter,” it will cost you letting go of your resentment, and it will cost you saying good-bye to regret.

 

So, if you are willing to let go of these, or even if you aren’t sure that you are willing, but you are curious to see what I have to say, to learn what is worth fighting for, I want you to take out a pen and paper, and invest the few minutes of your time it will take to learn this tool right now and to begin to apply it in your life.  

 

Please know that you will not be alone in your daily application of this tool.  I am teaching this tool right now to my Pilgrim Soul School students in our March classes on Believing New Things about our lives.  The skill of believing new things about our lives is something worth fighting for because it is the necessary step if we want to create new possibilities in our lives.

 

When I say believing new things is worth fighting for, I am not talking about the kind of white knuckling, teeth gritting will power, fighting energy that you may be exhausted from using.  I am talking about making a commitment, a vow, to living from a place of greater ease, or effortless effort as the Taoist say and as you may have heard in your yoga class, or a place of what positive psychologists and athletes call flow, that state of sustainable and renewable energy when you don’t have to think about working at something, you just do it.  

 

One of my favorite tools for shifting to peace and the self sustaining and creative energy that flows from peace is tapping.  Tapping is a great compliment to the self coaching model that I have been teaching my 1:1 and Pilgrim Soul School students and workshop attendees for the last 8 years now.

 

What tapping is.

 

Tapping is also called emotional freedom technique, and it is a combination of ancient Chinese accupressure and modern psychology.  The term tapping derives from the fact that while repeating a script that walks us from the belief that we need to hold onto something, like a resentment, into the belief that we might be able to let that resentment go, and if we dare to let that resentment go, we might be able to move forward from a place of peace and reclaim that sustainable energy, while repeating this script, we also physcially tap on a series of accupressure points on the side of our hand, between our eyebrows, the side of our eyes, under our eyes, under our nose, under our mouth, on our collarbone, under our arm, on the top of our head, and repeat.

 

The tapping itself settles the spinning mind and the part of the brain known as the amygdala; it sends a signal to the brain to remember it is living in the present moment in this body; it signals the spinning brain to recognize that everything is ok right here; everything is safe in this moment; then, the script actually walks us through the *before* and *after* self coaching models; bringing us to identify the thoughts driving us, recognizing where they might be based in fear, how that might be misguided self care, moving us through acceptance of ourselves for thinking that way and inviting us to consider another way of thinking.

 

And while this is going on the added result is that the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems sync up, and we stop dumping cortisol stress hormone and initiate the release of oxytocin hormones.

 

Okay, that is the why and the how of tapping.

 

Now, let’s dive in.

 

Make yourself comfortable wherever you are listening to this podcast.  If you are alone or seated at a desk, or driving, or walking, wherever you are, bring your attention to your breath, and if you are driving or walking or running, please keep your eyes open during this exercise.

 

First, I want you to turn your attention to what is important to you.

In the example that my clients are presenting with this week, what is important to them is peace.

Next, I want you to turn your attention to what may be standing in your way.

What stands between you and the peace you want?  And in particular is there a resentment or regret that is standing between you and that peace?

 

Taking a deep breath, repeat after me, “It is okay to make peace with the past.”

Following your breath through your body, notice is there is any tension or pain either physical or emotional.

On a scale of 1-10, check in with yourself to see how close you are to believing that you actually want to make peace with your past.  0 being you really don’t believe that you want to make peace with your past, and 10 representing a “Heck, Yes! I am beyond ready to make peace with my past.”  Most of us are probably some place on that continuum. An 8 is no better than a 1 on this continuum. Each number is simple data that tells you how much resistance you have to the idea of letting go.  Accept that you are starting from whatever number feels true, and know that it is an indicator of how many rounds of tapping you may need to do to let go of this resentment or regret. The main point I want you to know is that no matter the number, if you do this exercise, you will feel some relief, and that is as good as it gets, so stick with giving yourself tiny increments of relief until you totally release the resentment or regret.  I promise it is worth it.

 

Let’s return to step 1.  Repeat after me:

“It’s safe to make peace with the past.”

“I deserve to make peace with the past.”

“I’m allowed to make peace with the past.”

 

Begin tapping on the side of the hand:

“Even though I’m not sure it’s okay to make peace with the past, I choose to love and accept myself.”

“Even though I’m not sure it’s okay to make peace with the past, I choose to love and honor myself.”

“Even though I’m not sure it’s okay to make peace with the past, I choose to love, honor, and accept myself.”

 

Eyebrow:  “I’m not sure it’s okay to make peace with the past.”

Side of the Eye:  “I may still need these issues to protect me.”

Under the Eye:  “What if I forget the lessons?”

Under the Nose:  “What if I get hurt again?”

Under the Mouth:  “I choose to clear that fear.”

Collarbone:  “I choose to know I can handle this.”

Under the arm:  “I choose to know that I can make peace with the past.”

Top of the head:  “I choose to allow myself to freely move forward.”

 

Take a deep breath and a drink of water if that feels good.

 

Make a note on your legal pad or in your journal of what thoughts, images, feelings, and physical sensations may have come up for you.

 

Now that we have identified what may be standing in your way, we want to focus on what you want to create to fill that space that tending to and keeping your resentments and regrets alive used to take up in your life.  Remember, the point of all of this is to reclaim your intellectual, emotional, and spiritual energy so that you may use it to thrive instead of what you have been doing in this area which is surviving.

 

Given that we each have one life on this earth, and one lifetime to do whatever we want, I invite you to consider the following:

 

What is important to you in your life right now?  Where would you like to place your focus? What would you like to create or grow?  Where is your greatest impact?

 

Take a moment to think about your ideal life.  If you did have the peace that you crave, what would you be doing, how would you be feeling, where would you be, who would you be with, etc.?

 

Now, take a deep breath, and imagine this ideal life as vividly as possible.  See yourself in all of those places. Use all of your senses.

Following your breath through your body, notice what you feel physically and emotionally.  Is there any tension?

Now, ask yourself on a scale of 0-10 how close you are to achieving this ideal life?  0 being furthest away and 10 being actually living this ideal life. Remember this is data.

To the extent your answer isn’t a 10, what thoughts, beliefs and memories might be in your way or holding you back?  Notice any physical sensations.

 

Are there any regrets?  These are the harms you feel you have done to yourself or others.

Describe on your paper what you did.

What is the intensity on a scale of 0-10 with 10 being the most intense.  Again, this is only data.

Why might you have done this thing?  There is always a reason behind our behavior.  Give yourself the benefit of the doubt here. Understanding why you did what you did is a step toward being free from this past regret.

Why do you think you need to keep this regret?  We hold onto things for a reason. This is usually misguided self-love.  We think we need to hold onto it to teach ourselves a lesson, and we are afraid that if we let our regrets go, we may make the same choice again.  I want you to think of this like going to the first grade. When we go to the first grade, we focus and learn what we need to learn there, but when the school year is over, we trust we have learned what we needed and we move onto 2nd grade.  What if you trusted that you learned what you needed to learn from this regret and you allow yourself to move forward to 2nd grade.

 

Now, I want you to use your answers to the questions above to create your own tapping round:

 

SH:  Even though I did this, I choose to love and accept myself.

Even though I did this, I choose to love and honor myself.

Even though I did this, I choose to love, honor and accept myself.

 

EB:  I [fill in the blank].

SE:  I need to keep punishing myself for this.

UE:  I need to keep reminding myself.

UN:  I was upset, and didn’t know how to deal with that.

UM:  But that’s no excuse.

CB:  But I can’t feel bad enough to change the past.

UA:  As I feel better, I naturally make better choices.

TH:  I choose to feel better so that I can do better.

 

Take a deep breath and a drink of water.

Keep tapping on whatever thoughts and images that come up.  For example, you may feel great intensity around one phrase like “I need to keep punishing myself.”  Brad Yates at tapwithbrad.com suggests continuing to tap on this phrase, over and over, until you bring the intensity down as low as you can get it, or at least as low as you can move forward with more peace.

 

You can use this same process with resentments.

 

Resentments are the other side of the coin to regret.  Resentments are the harms you feel others have done to you.

On your legal pad or journal:

Describe what was done.

Rate the intensity from 0-10, with 10 being extremely upsetting.

Why might this person have done this?  There is always a reason behind someone’s behavior.  I want you to think of a reason you think they did this.  Often, if we feel great intensity it is because we make their behavior mean that they want to do something to us.  As our intensity lowers, it usually reflects a willingness for us to look beyond the story that we tell about this person’s behaviors as it relates to us.  In other words, what if their behavior had nothing to do with you? Why might this person have done what they did?

Why do you need to hold onto this resentment?  Do you think you need to teach them a lesson? Hold them accountable?  Be the behavior police? Their principle? Their mommy? Seriously, you are holding onto this resentment for a reason, you are experiencing the prison of this resentment, take the time to get to the bottom of it and wonder if you want to give this up so that you may feel peace instead of this.

 

Let’s tap.

 

SH:  Even though ______ did this, I choose to love and accept myself.

Even though _______ did this, I choose to love and honor myself.

Even though ________ did this, I choose to love, honor and accept myself.

 

EB:  ________ [person] did ____________

SE:  Other people did _____________________ because of that.

UE:  _________ [person] didn’t think I was worth respecting.

UN:  I was stupid for trusting _________.

UM:  But they don’t get to decide my worth.

CB:  And I can’t feel bad enough to change the past.

UA:  As I feel better, I naturally make better choices.

TH:  I choose to feel better now so that I can give my attention to those things that are truly important to me.

 

Take a deep breath and a sip of water.

 

Tap on whatever came up.

 

If you want to go deeper into tapping, in the next Pilgrim Soul podcast, I will dive straight into a tapping mediation to move you into forgiveness and freedom.  I have also record 2 additional separate tapping meditations: 1 specifically on regrets and the other on resentments. These are a little longer than what I gave you a taste of in this podcast, and now that you have all of the background on tapping and how to make peace with the past, I hope you will access these little “soul gifts” whenever you need them.

 

Until next time, thank you for your commitment and dedication to increasing your own mental, emotional, and spiritual health, and thank you for joining our group of Pilgrim Souls who are out in the world making it a place of greater peace, ease, and enjoyment.

 

XOXO + Press on,

Tara

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Featured:

 

~ Jessica and Nick Ortner, The Tapping Solution.

~ Brad Yates

~ Press On Fund, Music by Turner Simkins and Joe Stevenson,  Possibilities performed by Darius Rucker as a collaboration between GoPro for a Cause and St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.

~ Pilgrim Soul Classes

 

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